Little Devils...(and im not talking about kapil dev's devil)
"everybody have got their own little devils to fight with for forever"...i have always believed in this. here i am trying to unveil those little devils of mine. these are things which have troubled me in my thoughts,my conscience...and somethings which i want to tell
i have always being a lonely child even though i grew up among hordes of children. i was the last child of my family and my brothers were 5 and 7 years older to me..thus never got chance to share my teeny-weeny things and emotions with them. i never had anyone to play with. i was always playing with older boys , learning nuisances of sports and life quite fast as compared to all other children of my age. if somebody would abuse in front of me, then i had to fake that i havent heard anything . so, i guess from here only i learnt how to fake my knowledge and emotions. from here i got my dual personality ...one who understands everything but is just always pretending that he doesnt know anything(and this thing really kills you, i tell you that).
MEHNDI....(i wont write anything here , other than that i vomit whenever i see or smell it. subject closed, otherwise i'll feel like vomitting again)
one more thing which disturbs me very much...during my childhood from age 9-14 years, i along with my other friends used to give our birthday parties in a really big bakery shop. it is still there and i still visit this shop. so most disturbing part was that we never spent a penny on these "bakery shop bday parties" of ours...we just used to go there, have patties, cakes, our fav cokes and then just move out...that shop is so crowded all the time that i wonder why nobody else did what we used to do.but yeah, i admit i have been into shop-lifting and stealing...but i realized my mistake without being caught.and this thing still pinches me somewhere... i always wanted to be an honest man...and i am still trying hard to be one.
why dont i feel attachment for anyone-thats my next big dilemma. and why does this happen to me only that i will hang out with one friend for some time and then something would happpen in my mind and all of a sudden ...i will just try to avoid him/her, will have minimum talks with him...i just tend to get bored with one person all the time...after sometime i just dont know what to talk about. thus im always afraid of someone coming too close to me(hey, im not talking in any other sense..)..as i already know that its just matter of time before he/she will be gone.so don feel any point in opening up too much and this thing explains why i express my concerns, most of the time, on the surface only.
i have fought with my friends deliberately on one pretext or the other during my last days in school (i tried to do that in iit also, was successful a bit...but most of these iit friends were too busy to take my fights seriously,so here i am still friends with them :( )as i dont want them to remember me...and now thanks:( to orkut...they all are back...forgotten everything(someone talking of leaky memory here)...and pounding on me all the time(i admit im having gr8 time with them). listen world, i dont want to be remembered.(its so awkward living in someone's memory..isnt it? think wat u do to the person ,whom u are remembering, in your thoughts ;))
people ask me why i dont go to temples and discard me as an atheist really fast without knowing my reasons behind it. when i was in my 10th grade, i used to go to temple to pray to get good result. then one day i was praying, i saw a girl there, and my mind was diverted. this thing disturbed me a lot and i told this to my friends and they told me that its not a problem and most of them just go to temple to see girls over there. So, here my mind went blank...arent we supposed to go to temple for prayers and stay away from these worldly pleasures at least for the time being while we are in the temple. Thus from that day, i have decided that i will go to temple only when my mind is really pure, when i wont be thinking about girls,etc in the temple.(u may say that i really had a terrible bunch of friends , but i already told you that most of them were elder than me, and you cant get much better friends than those which i had, i really mean it) thats why i dont go to temples anymore...unless its a compulsory event for me.
i dont prefer to lock my hostel room generally...and there's a reason behind it...i wanna tell this to my frineds that i trust them every bit. but some days ago i lost my money, and then i was labelled as "an irresponsible guy" by two respected ladies(u both know ,whom im referring to) for not locking my room.so what if i lost some money , at least in compensation of that lost money, i came to know of a potential backstabber...isnt this a cheaper method than employing a detective? :)( does that sound like a lame excuse, ok leave it)
and the biggest devil...i cant express my feelings..i havnt expressed them to anyone whenever they were meant to be. i loved two girls in my life earier than this new girl(no, i wont disclose her identity(even she doesnt know)...and yes, love can happen to u 'n' no. of times). and i could never express my love to them...and u wont believe me...both of them said when one thing to me when they were moving onto new realtionships in their life-- "i always waited for u to say something".and im damn sure that i'll lose her also as i tried really hard but could not say it to her. So, here i am standing confused on what to say, and more importantly why to say...cant she understand my feelings looking into my eyes.(seems romantic enough..huh:) )...btw its not only abt saying those three magical words, i cant express my illnesses,my thinking, my joys.
but there is one thing...i love most of the people i know, and i really dont hate anyone. either i love a person or have no feelings for him but surely no hate...basically im neutral type ...and i believe in one thing "everyone has got at least one good and one bad quality, explore the good quality and ignore the bad one" ...now u wont hate anyone:)
i wanted to write about the devils...but i end up listing something else...thts why im a confused genius(just living upto my reputation :) )
"everybody have got their own little devils to fight with for forever"...i have always believed in this. here i am trying to unveil those little devils of mine. these are things which have troubled me in my thoughts,my conscience...and somethings which i want to tell
i have always being a lonely child even though i grew up among hordes of children. i was the last child of my family and my brothers were 5 and 7 years older to me..thus never got chance to share my teeny-weeny things and emotions with them. i never had anyone to play with. i was always playing with older boys , learning nuisances of sports and life quite fast as compared to all other children of my age. if somebody would abuse in front of me, then i had to fake that i havent heard anything . so, i guess from here only i learnt how to fake my knowledge and emotions. from here i got my dual personality ...one who understands everything but is just always pretending that he doesnt know anything(and this thing really kills you, i tell you that).
MEHNDI....(i wont write anything here , other than that i vomit whenever i see or smell it. subject closed, otherwise i'll feel like vomitting again)
one more thing which disturbs me very much...during my childhood from age 9-14 years, i along with my other friends used to give our birthday parties in a really big bakery shop. it is still there and i still visit this shop. so most disturbing part was that we never spent a penny on these "bakery shop bday parties" of ours...we just used to go there, have patties, cakes, our fav cokes and then just move out...that shop is so crowded all the time that i wonder why nobody else did what we used to do.but yeah, i admit i have been into shop-lifting and stealing...but i realized my mistake without being caught.and this thing still pinches me somewhere... i always wanted to be an honest man...and i am still trying hard to be one.
why dont i feel attachment for anyone-thats my next big dilemma. and why does this happen to me only that i will hang out with one friend for some time and then something would happpen in my mind and all of a sudden ...i will just try to avoid him/her, will have minimum talks with him...i just tend to get bored with one person all the time...after sometime i just dont know what to talk about. thus im always afraid of someone coming too close to me(hey, im not talking in any other sense..)..as i already know that its just matter of time before he/she will be gone.so don feel any point in opening up too much and this thing explains why i express my concerns, most of the time, on the surface only.
i have fought with my friends deliberately on one pretext or the other during my last days in school (i tried to do that in iit also, was successful a bit...but most of these iit friends were too busy to take my fights seriously,so here i am still friends with them :( )as i dont want them to remember me...and now thanks:( to orkut...they all are back...forgotten everything(someone talking of leaky memory here)...and pounding on me all the time(i admit im having gr8 time with them). listen world, i dont want to be remembered.(its so awkward living in someone's memory..isnt it? think wat u do to the person ,whom u are remembering, in your thoughts ;))
people ask me why i dont go to temples and discard me as an atheist really fast without knowing my reasons behind it. when i was in my 10th grade, i used to go to temple to pray to get good result. then one day i was praying, i saw a girl there, and my mind was diverted. this thing disturbed me a lot and i told this to my friends and they told me that its not a problem and most of them just go to temple to see girls over there. So, here my mind went blank...arent we supposed to go to temple for prayers and stay away from these worldly pleasures at least for the time being while we are in the temple. Thus from that day, i have decided that i will go to temple only when my mind is really pure, when i wont be thinking about girls,etc in the temple.(u may say that i really had a terrible bunch of friends , but i already told you that most of them were elder than me, and you cant get much better friends than those which i had, i really mean it) thats why i dont go to temples anymore...unless its a compulsory event for me.
i dont prefer to lock my hostel room generally...and there's a reason behind it...i wanna tell this to my frineds that i trust them every bit. but some days ago i lost my money, and then i was labelled as "an irresponsible guy" by two respected ladies(u both know ,whom im referring to) for not locking my room.so what if i lost some money , at least in compensation of that lost money, i came to know of a potential backstabber...isnt this a cheaper method than employing a detective? :)( does that sound like a lame excuse, ok leave it)
and the biggest devil...i cant express my feelings..i havnt expressed them to anyone whenever they were meant to be. i loved two girls in my life earier than this new girl(no, i wont disclose her identity(even she doesnt know)...and yes, love can happen to u 'n' no. of times). and i could never express my love to them...and u wont believe me...both of them said when one thing to me when they were moving onto new realtionships in their life-- "i always waited for u to say something".and im damn sure that i'll lose her also as i tried really hard but could not say it to her. So, here i am standing confused on what to say, and more importantly why to say...cant she understand my feelings looking into my eyes.(seems romantic enough..huh:) )...btw its not only abt saying those three magical words, i cant express my illnesses,my thinking, my joys.
but there is one thing...i love most of the people i know, and i really dont hate anyone. either i love a person or have no feelings for him but surely no hate...basically im neutral type ...and i believe in one thing "everyone has got at least one good and one bad quality, explore the good quality and ignore the bad one" ...now u wont hate anyone:)
i wanted to write about the devils...but i end up listing something else...thts why im a confused genius(just living upto my reputation :) )
Well, that was a long, deep and introspective post- what a change! ;) Although, without flattery, i believe i knew all this before, I am curious to know... has this helped you?
ReplyDeleteMehndi, "irresponsibility" (lool), stealing when being a kid- all this doesn't deserve to make you feel bad. It's all about what you believe you are, and everything you've lived up to which has made you now who you are. As for the emotional bit - don't torture yourself, you're a great guy, have great friends, and are greatly appreciated - i believe you've done well, no? :) The time will come, enjoy what you have now, that'd be my best advice! ;)
@ fireangel
ReplyDeletelong, deep and introspective ..its alll bcoz of u only(u always telling me to open up a bit ;))...yeah it has surely helped me....and thnx for the advice;)
Wow a lot of opening up... and as long as its helped u.. it doesnt matter..
ReplyDeletewe're still here arent we.. u were worrying for no reason
=)
friends dont judge
@aditi
ReplyDeletefriends shud judge...btw thnx for still being there:)